My heart after being single since February2019(its now October of covid year(2020))
has made me crave the attention, us HUMANS crave... we desire... more than ANYTHING else... The touch, the companionship, the hanging out and being goofy, the way someone looks are you and you look at them.... its so beautiful...
THAT... That right there..."beautiful" i wouldn't have ever said that ever in February of this year...I was still desiring that lustful feeling... the human connection (human connection is very important, don't get me wrong, hear me out)
2020 is THE year for you to work on you....and no one else... I've had friends kill them selves...go into deep depression... start overthinking, etc!- ALL BEACAUSE of COVID its terrible.... 2020 for me has been quiet a journey I started this yeah living so so very worldly- porn... flirting around... whatever it was, you name it, I was doing it... also drumming as part of the worship team, as I have been for the last 5+years.....
You see.... I've ALWAYS felt the conviction of the Lord while in my worldly ways. I never went a day without masturbation/porn, and I'd go to bed so very heartbroken that I'm stuck in this addiction to the point where I'd go to bed sometimes, crying.... For years, this was me... It's who I was.. on top of all everything else the flirting the playing with people and their emotions cause they liked me...I know im decently attractive, I know that my personality for some reason attracts women, I know these thing's... I would run everyone into the ground because of who I am, and the person I am,
very awesome power to have..... I HATE IT and that's why I don't do it.
But lets get back to topic: doing all of those things, while being single was great It felt like like i owned the world yet something was lacking. I never could find what was lacking
until about March when I started noticing that I'm doing the "checklist" going to church, praying before bed, etc! then i started going on worship adventure because i notice that i have 0 relationship with God...that felt amazing and i gained a relationship with Him through music and worship!
I thought "THIS IS IT! I FINALLY HAVE IT! A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD!" lol no Ross you didn't
It wasn't til July 21st.... when I opened my bible for the first time ever and read His word... it felt good.. it stopped me from going and watching porn that night.... and I got a creative bug to make a youtube video, I logged on omegle( a site I was very familiar with) and i was going to blur out dicks and give a reaction to them... that didn't happen at all... I met someone, very intriguing, pure beauty.. I'm telling myself don't do It don't hit on her, don't try it, so I stayed and talked to her...and got to know her pretty well... we talked for four hours FOUR HOURS WITH A RANDOM PERSON ON OMEGLE.... shared gaming stories... life stories got tiktok... got Instagram the reason I pushed so hard to get that is because she lives in San Antonio(45mins away from me) and she's a Christian... WHAT!...??? on Omegle??!
anyways, I digress, To what this blog is ACTUALLY about
2020- has made me notice so much about being a Christian... and where my faults are with life in general as well as dating, and my past relationship-
with my past relationship, I didn't know what I was doing... I just wanted someone there... that "human connection"I did love her... very much- but I do not believe I was ever in love
but I was in it for a lustful reason... not sex nothing like that.... i wouldn't have stayed in it for 4+years if I wanted sex....just the fact that its not pure love, makes it lustful and selfish, I wanted the attention... the attention I've never had
throughout this year, I've notice what true love is with people, along with Christ... nothing can compare
but with people 2020 has has taught me:
masks- are amazing... you get to look at someone in the eyes, there is SOOO much more focus on the eyes- your own eyes don't wander- whether they wander in a lustful way or wander to the facial features. The eyes tell you so much about the person and how they're reacting to you, they tell the true feelings of your heart, and I stand by that...!
quarantine- while working on yourself- and talking to the people on the internet, it makes you get to know the people.... the person... instead of just chasing them because theyre pretty
and online dating, my honest to God opinion on it has skyrocketed this year, because like i said... you get to know the person behind the beauty.. listen to them and hear what's on their hearts... hang out with them, and their personality-there is no lust if you do it right, you fall in love with the actual person, AND not their FEATURES, sure It's complete possible to lust on the internet, but if its lust you're going after, stop, just stop, you'll rot, and never feel fulfilled and continue craving and wanting that and, and, and!
